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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

I woke up last night to a God awful dream. Bryan had come to me, like Steve did to Miranda and politely admitted to having an affair. But, not just any affair. The Affair. An affair with his X. You know the one.

First off Bryan would never have an affair. And to be fair, I’m big on reversing the senario- it always puts things into perspective. For example, I know I have no worries with an X because they are X’s for a reason. That usually works. 

{Edited to include:} In all honesty, I think everyone at one time or another thinks of their X. But, that’s it, its more of a fleeting thought and something you know is better left in the past. Because, ultimately you are two different people now.

The whole time Bryan and I have been together, I have never been paranoid. Well, minus the time I was five months pregnant with Garrett.

Oh, yeah that time. (Insert story of someone (I shant mention names) who works with Bryan- telling 5 month old pregnant woman that her husband thinks (said person) is a MILF.) First off, I find the very term ‘MILF’ unappealing, sexist, and crude. Call me a puritian if you will. But, it floats around way too freely these days. Not the point. This was something that infuriated me and changed my whole demeanor concerning our relationship. I went from easy going to crazy psychoatic lady within days. ‘Everything’s okay, Brook….you can calm back down that was almost a year ago.’ Even now, thinking of this scenario sends my blood boiling and causes me to find tons of insecurities in myself.

See thing is, Bryan’s job takes him away from me for very, very, long periods. We also work in seperate time zones. I am out the door by 9 a.m., he watches Baby G and then I am home by 2-3 p.m. and he leaves for work, only to arrive around 11 or so. We are akin to passing ships in the night and my day is much the way Becky describes her present life. 

We rarely get to hang out anymore. I mean, who has the time and wouldn’t blogging be more interesting. Kidding.

All this makes for a good soap opera, if you let it.

Seriously, Wednesdays are special nights. Bryan has inventory and if he doesn’t get home by midnight- I admit my radar starts going off and I think the unthinkable, even though I know without a doubt that he would never do anything. Thing is, that self-proclaimed MILF might do something. Not Bryan.

Last night, I simply called to say I was worried and went on to bed. Bryan arrived close to twenty minutes later and soon followed to bed. I woke up at 2 a.m. shouting- NO! NO! NO! By the time I had realized it was a dream, I was considering continuing my yelling simply because I felt the need for consoling. True story. I guess my reasons for posting this isn’t for sympathy, but rather to point out my reation wasn’t sadness as I had thought (as in when I witnessed Steve confess this same crime to Miranda)…it was shame and pure madness that he had respected me so little.

And, that got me to thinking…is infidelity actually about the sexual or rather that need for connection that gets lost in relationships over the years through marriage, family  and kids, bills and debt, goals and dreams? Or are we all a bunch of savages?

How do you cope with keeping the insecurities tucked ‘far, far, away’?

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We don’t really have a nickname for Garrett, but I have started calling him Baby Bee. I’m not really for sure why, but I guess that’s the funny thing about nicknames. This post isn’t about nicknames, although Garrett is called all kinds of things throughout the day and the subject might make for a good post….

Anyway, when I called him that tonight as I was getting him ready for bed it made me think of how busy I have been the last two weeks. It seems that Garrett has turned a corner in development and I have reluctantly increased my hours at work. In case, you were wondering or missing me at all this is the reason. I have also been trying to organize our cluttered house and get rid of a few things. I thought I might have a chance to work on my ‘side projects’ at some point, but I haven’t figured out how to work those in yet. I think once the clutter is gone and I finish past projects (like organizing our endless supply of pictures, getting Garrett’s scrap/baby book current or painting his step stool) I will get the chance. Looks like I have a touch of ADHD, starting so many things at once. I have always said I have too many hobbies.

It doesn’t look like Garrett has that problem as he keeps trying and trying at everything. He is now holding everything like a pro, rolling over and inch worm crawling! (At least that’s what he looks like when he does it.) He has a tooth cropping up and loves to laugh. Oh and he has started lifting up on his arms and raising his belly. It’s the cutest thing in the world! What’s not to love about this baby? He makes it all so very worth it when it’s put into perspective. So that’s what the pictures in the post are for, a reminder if you will of how the good Lord does answer our prayers.

Like I was saying, I am now working 30 hours a week as opposed to a mere 15. We were just getting by- mainly because I have a few bills that take up what I do make and because of a loan and car payment. I hate not being more capable. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the news that we have to have flood & hurricane coverage effective immediately. It seems the powers that be in the insurance world decided that anything in our county east of the waterway is in a more liable area for disaster. Which isn’t really a surprise considering we are less than 2 miles from the ocean. What did surprise us is the cost of the insurance, it’s going to be an extra $3000 a year. Whoever said “When it rains it pours”, knew exactly what they were talking about because we have had financial misfortune back to back since our tree fell down last August. I’m hoping this is the last of it. We are still paying off Bryan’s appendectomy, along with our doctor and hospital bills. Hopefully, we can pay enough of those to get a nice tax deduction.

This all leaves little free time for me and I am trying to be a big girl about it and not be too disappointed. Garrett and I are working on a new schedule. That’s taking up some precious time, too. We have to be up early now regardless of Daddy’s. Bryan and I have been doing good, to me that’s a testament of our love and lets me know we can make it through anything! God willing I will be able to start a business of my own that generates enough income to get us ahead, allows me to be home with Garrett and let’s me use my God-given talents (because, I have tons of ideas). I also hope my eczema clears up for GOOD…those are my prayers. But, the most important job I want to have is the ability to spend as much time with Garrett as possible.

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Bryan came home tonight and said he drove home thinking, “Man, I’m married and I have a kid.” And he had to pinch himself, because its still so hard to believe some days. Which made me automatically think of the song, ‘Once in a Lifetime’ by Talking Heads. It took us a few moments to name the band, even though both of us are huge fans. Bryan even mistakenly thought that the Talking Heads box set in the living room have always been his. I simply shook my head. Then he believed I gave him them along with a few other Cd’s one Christmas. I had to actually think back on that one. But no, the box set is still mine. However, since we’re married, I let him believe it’s always been his. Because that’s what you do when you’re married.

I have to agree with Bryan about the reality of our ‘new’ lives though, we’ve experienced a whirlwind in the last year that has accumulated from fourteen years of knowing one another. For those that don’t know our story, let me elaborate for just a moment. (To those who can sing our story in Latin, please bare with me.)

Bryan and I met working at a local grocery store, called Food City. 14 years ago. We were dating by that October. I was a senior in high school. We were in a car wreck together. October 28, 1994. We stopped dating but remained semi-friends. Bryan moved to Blacksburg. I stayed in Marion. In 1997, I moved to Blacksburg. Bryan and I are better friends. In 1998, I leave for Houston, Bryan leaves for Myrtle Beach. We lose touch. Fast forward to Christmas 2002. We run into one another back home and start corresponding via the tele. This continues for 3 years, with a few visits in between. I move to Myrtle Beach in February 2005. Bryan proposes September 2006 in Miami while on vacation together. We plan a wedding for October 2007. We paint our upstairs bedroom Duke Blue in July 2007. We lose a tree in August 2007. We find out I am one month pregnant in August 2007. We get married in October 2007, me 3 months pregnant. We vacation in the Riviera Mayan, Mexico; me 3 months pregnant. December 2007 we buy an Envoy. April 6, 2008 at 7:43 p.m. Garrett is born. Our lives as we know it are forever changed.

You can pinch me, but I know I’m not dreaming. At least not anymore.

I love how we got here and I love that its a ‘Once in a Lifetime’ feeling that we both get from all of this. And I’m pretty darn sure Bryan feels the same exact way. Not only because he told me so, but because he shows me. Every. Single. Day.

In Honor of that feeling we share:

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful Wife
And you may ask yourself-well…how did I get here?
Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself -How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself-Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself-This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself This is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…

Water dissolving…and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!
Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones, there is water underground.

(I ommited the last lines because it doesn’t pertain to us) 😉

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