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Archive for the ‘So this is what it’s like to be an Adult’ Category

Here it is another month and I’ve went and forgotten to start blogging again. I had all the earnest of heart anyone could imagine to get back in the swing of things, but it seems life will not let me. If it isn’t one thing, it sure is another. This past week, both Baby G and I have been sick and on top of that ALL OF LAST MONTH I have been trying desperately to find another job.

Before anyone shouts at me for even mentioning looking for another job in this economy, please let me explain. I am beyond myself in worry. Number one, we are getting by on practically one salary right now…which isn’t horrible as I know we have it much better than MOST folks, but after a year or so- enough’s enough!! I would like to have my old lifestyle back to an extend or at least the choice to have it back.

Second, I am slowly rotting away without a purpose. For awhile, I got by thinking that loving my husband and baby were enough. Now, my mindset has changed into a desire to have a career and not just a career, but something I can be proud of again. I mean, didn’t I go to college for a reason and wasn’t that supposed to give me a job? So what happened? I still hear that stupid radio ad (you know the one) about how people with 4 year degrees are suppose to make more than those without one.

Bullshit.

I say that as kindly as possible because it isn’t like I graduated with a poor GPA, far from it actually. So, when did I miss the boat? That great big sea of opportunity? I’ve resigned myself to becoming one of the masses selling the next great product and can only shake my head in disgust. This isn’t what I had planned.

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This is simply a friendly reminder, that although sleep deprived, I am here. I am drifting through this abyss of teething madness, trying to stay awake ten more minutes before- sleeping two hours, waking up to a fretting baby, change positions, nurse, go back to sleep, wake up at 4:30 a.m. to a frantic baby in search of a teether, oh there’s mommy’s nipple. go back to sleep, wake again at 6:30 a.m. decide to force self out of bed, shower, eat oatmeal, fix coffee, get dressed, pump, check email, work for 4 hours, come home to pump, eat lunch, return to work, home at 2 p.m., iron shirt for hubby, wash a load of clothes, try to start a business of my own, be a wife, be a daughter, keep our house clean, keep up with in-laws and friends, check email, blog, nurse Baby G…maybe.too.much…for my liking, feed the dogs, play with baby G, wish for a hottub bath inbetween, read something daily even if only a babybook, walk around the block. Change another dirty diaper, boy this child poops a lot! Pick up Baby G before he falls over again. Sit Baby G down on bottom, remove Baby G from climbing on bookcase four times in a row. Put Baby Einstein on and wish it lasted for two hours, become frantic that it only lasts 24.35 minutes. Rush around and then sink into chair, drained. Back up! I completely forgot to mention it’s time for baby G’s 3rd feeding of the day, make babyfood, make meal for self, remember vitamins for both of us, drink lots of water. 8:30 p.m. Down in the floor, preoccupied. 9:30 p.m. Bathtime. Is Daddy home yet? Brush my teeth, nurse. 10:30 p.m. Off to bed and tomorrow we go at it again.

I’m still getting the hang of this mommy stuff. I am exhausted.

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This morning I woke up more alert than I have been in ages. Perhaps, it was the uninterrupted 6 hours of sleep I got (count that, six WHOLE hours…I feel like a NEW WOMAN!) or the fact that I knew if I was stealth enough, I could get up and manage to have a nice hour or so to myself before Baby G awakes. This morning is different than most mornings because:

a) the hubby doesn’t have to go to work

b) I don’t either

c) it’s Saturday!!

What a treat! So you can imagine my delight and urgency in enjoying the morning.

See that’s where my hubby and I differ. Even though I could definitely use the extra hours of sleep, my mind is going warp speed conceiving all the things I can jam-pack into my new window of opportunity. These moments are truly rare. They must be pounced upon the moment they arrive!

small_cup_of_coffee

In the midst of knowing I am racing against the clock, I started making coffee. In the last two months, I have slowly regained my obsession and sweet addiction with that first cup of Joe. In the process, I was frantically trying to plan out my morning. 

Literally, I was swimming in ideas. I was a college student writing a term paper.

I would blog first. I could schedule a couple of bills. Nah, not much fun. Oh, I can look up hams for Thanksgiving at the Honey Ham Company. No, wait…scratch that I will respond to those folks I keep intending to get back to via email and facebook. Then, I can also email overdue pictures of Baby G to the family. Although, isn’t that the POINT of this blog. Hell-o? Or, I could work on a few other projects and favors in the making. Then I thought, slow down Nelly! (Brakes applied.) I thought to myself, “You’re most likely chewing off more than you can chew.”

Lost in thought, I caught myself holding the refrigerator door open with the coffee pot in my left hand trying diligently to place it into the side door of the refrigerator. Yep, you heard that right. I’m confessing here, that it took me a second to realize what I was doing.

There was this weird moment, where my brain clicked and said to me, “Ahhh, psst…hey you…I don’t think that’s where that goes.” It WAS an extremely strange feeling, sorta out of a Salvador Dali type dream.

Salvador Dali, The Persistence of Memory, 1931

I am pretty sure that old adage applies this morning. Let’s hope for my sake, it’s simply a glimpse of the mind slightly slipping in older age, rather than the full Monty. Of course, I still think it’s too early to tell.

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Opps, Ladies! I didn’t mean I am going to be gone from blogging, only that if I am not as frequent it is because I am trying to find balance between it all. It being LIFE.

I wanted to let everyone know that if I hadn’t posted a comment on their blog in awhile, this was why and because last night as I was trying to figure out something to write about, I came across 2 blogs about parents lossing their children. (Yeah, so that’s where some of my funk came from.) Does that make sense?

Anyway, most likely, I will only be a bit less frequent in posts. Heck, but then again maybe I will start posting more? Who knows at this point. With the amount of sugar I have consumed in the last few days, I am wondering if a *special visitor’ is about to make a reappearance in my life. So maybe that’s another occasion for this mood of mine.

Regardless, don’t write me off just yet!!

I DO NEED ADVICE:

I’m actually thinking of scheduling activities, tasks, etc. for my days. I feel very chaotic anymore! Does anyone do this or have any experience on whether it works or not?

My TO-DO LIST is impossibly LONG and untouched. I need some structure.

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Originally, I was going to post about our visit with our good friends and their babies (which I still plan to post some photos later). Then, I changed my mind and decided my post would be about an environmental friendly house to make up for missing my weekly green day. But, at last that wasn’t really doing it for me either (although, that link and information will come.) Thing is, nothing has really been that intriguing to me lately in the form of writing about it. Call it what you will, writer’s block or plain laziness or one very active child and one very tired Momma. Either way, that’s what has been happening.

Of course, I thought to myself, ‘I can make something and post it on the blog’. And, so I made something. I made a Butternut Squash Soup. Yep, but I’m not going to post the recipe (not that it wasn’t any good, rather because that isn’t wasn’t doing it for me either.) Again, I continued to ponder. I searched my thoughts. I read other blogs. I thought about everything going on today. The economy. The election. Still nothing.

I can’t say why it wasn’t coming to me, but I do know I have been trying to balance more things in my life, start less projects, yada.yada.yada- you know that old song and dance. I have been somewhat sad I guess. I want so much for my blog to be a part of my life because I get such a release from it and from reading other blogs. Yet, somewhere in the last two weeks I realized- I need to be more concerned with watching Garrett grow up. As I was reminded earlier this week, to simply be still and watch because this first year flashes by and before you know it, the baby becomes a child. I can’t remember the exact words, as it was in a Baby Magazine. One of the 15 I subscribe to or somehow landed, the ones I never have time to read anymore.

That’s where I have been though, with my head in the clouds. Thinking how fast this all is going to go and trying desperately to savor every waking moment. It hurts a bit even now to think how precious time and life really is. It makes me sad to think of moments wasted, used up, dried up and gone. And it makes me want to do every little thing possible now. In our waking hours together. Probably, too many things at once- which I am already notoriously ADHD (starting and stopping projects on a whim.) Add to the mix, a crawling and babbling baby and my hands are really tied. Getting Garrett dressed is a full 30 minute ordeal with about 60 rolls in-between.

And just like that, he briefy waved goodbye to his Daddy. We have been practicing. (Him saying Momma was most likely a fluke because I can’t coax it out of him again to save my life.) We do have a raspberry blower. He did this repeatedly today as I showed him my belly! I am amazed at the things he is putting together. I have found that Garrett and I are both creatures of comfort. He has found his way back into our bed. SHHHH…don’t tell anybody.

And then, finally when I sat down to type, it came to me- how fast it could all change. 

Call it feeling blessed or even lucky…whatever it might be, it’s the reason for my stupor, my stink, my slowness here on the net. I just need to take the beauty of my baby and this life in for a few more moments. And then I will be back.

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As you know, Garrett has been teething around the clock. He wakes up in the middle of the night now and twists and turns. After a week of this, I was on the verge of not being able to function and Bryan actually soothed him back to sleep the last couple of nights so that I could catch some z’s- that is, until last night.

Garrett was in bed at his usual time and I stayed up waiting for Bryan to get home- we needed to talk about our ‘anniversary dinner’ and figure out what exactly would be on the agenda. Once home, we chatted and then I decided to go on to bed, so I could get a good night’s sleep in before having to work today. That was at midnight. Thinking back, it was one of those nights were the minute my head hit the pillow I was out.

Next thing I remember, I was somewhere in between a dream and Bryan yelling ‘OH NO!’ To which, I became panick strickened and confused. It was nearly 4 a.m. in the morning. I don’t remember the dream I was having, I just remember that the next two hours were the scariest and longest hours of my life.

Garrett had managed to climb down to our feet, across his father’s legs and you got it, smack down onto the hardwood floors. I have said it a thousand times, it was going to be my worst nightmare and it was. I simply didn’t believe it would be this soon, nor on his 6 month old birthday and our 1 year anniversary- all rolled into one.

The moment was painful for all three of us. Bryan scooped him into his arms as he cried bloody murder and I watched helplessly. I wanted to nurse him and hold him and make it all better- but I was also worried about ‘what if’s’. Once Bryan had him calmed down, I took him into my arms and started to nurse him, but he gagged and couldn’t seem to get the nursing idea down at the moment. I realized maybe we shouldn’t have moved him until we had turned the lights on or maybe he had a concussion and then I thought, well, what in the world do you do for that and how do you know if they have one? So many questions flooded my mind- How hard did he hit? Where did he hit? Will he be ok? Why didn’t I wake up? Why didn’t Bryan? How did he get to the end of the bed? Why was he going to the end of the bed, he never does that? I’m still questioning everything as I type and I still have a huge lump in my throat from it all.

After he gagged,  I had Bryan pull out our ‘family child book’ and look up ‘head injuries’. It seemed like an hour it took Bryan an hour to do this….I kept asking, “why can’t you find it….you need your glasses.”  I was distraught. Finally, Bryan made it to the page on head injuries and he read to me aloud what to do and what to watch for. (He should be woken up every few hours and watched carefully over the next 24-48 hours, especially if they act lethargic, are pale, sick or complaining of a severe headache while not acting like themselves.) He’s a baby, how can he tell us? This was excruciating.

At this point it was almost 5 a.m. and I wasn’t for sure how, I was going to go back to sleep, let alone him. I cradled him next to me and let him nurse for what seemed forever. He was having that ‘feeling of falling’ off and on as he went back to sleep. I held my hand at his belly making sure his breathing wasn’t labored and hadn’t stopped for almost an hour. I then began to cry silently. I had let my baby down and he was in pain because of me. I had become too comfortable and there were tons of signs! He almost fell off the couch yesterday and even managed to get further on the bed twice while I was simply dressing him. I should have known!

I’m not for sure how I went back to sleep myself, but I did and this morning it all seemed like such a bad dream. It wasn’t though. I have been searching for a bruise, however nothing as surfaced yet. Hopefully, that is a good thing. He seems to be fine, too. I certainly remember that thud very loudly. It chills me even thinking about it.

It is decided, his crib will be making an appearance in our bedroom tonight. See, that was some of the reason he was sleeping with us from the get go- his crib is all the way upstairs. We have canceled our plans for tonight for a later date so that we can ‘watch’ him and are going to have a nice candlelit dinner at home and be thankful that we are a family.

I am so thankful there are angels watching over my baby.

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Bikers that is.

Every autumn and every spring, Myrtle Beach falls prey to an influx of motorcycles. Three weeks long at three different times they arrive. One by one. On trailers and with RV’s. Not just a few- but, rather what appears to be thousands. They are everywhere and they are extremely loud. They wreck, they get drunk, they even die. In our quaint little beach town. Now, I have nothing against bikers, in general unless you count the traffic jams, the inability to leave windows down in the car at anytime of the day and listening to bikes through your front and back doors…around the clock for 4 straight nights. 

The 3 festivals of bike rallies here are horrible. So horrible that local ordinances are being tested as I type, with various strategies and regulations in the works to prevent their ‘free for all’ in our lovely little beach communities. I don’t mind that they are here- I mean it does bring in revenue and like I said I have nothing against the ‘husky smoking long haired -cut in front of me- bandana wearing leather pushers’ that arrive twice a year. Unless you count, the motorcycle that almost hit me as I was driving my newborn home one afternoon and he was crying hysterically at their LOUD A$$ motorcycles. Nor, do I have any beef for the ‘big black booty on the back of bikes’, either. (Try saying that one three times in a row!) But, I could do without seeing a thong and nothing else RIGHT in my face as I sit waiting for the light to turn green. Anyway, point is- they are welcome here.

Yet, with that welcome is the need to respect our communities and awknowledge that PEOPLE actually LIVE here with FAMILIES and believe that no matter what has been said, it isn’t a 24/7 brothal! Although, today I did ponder if it might be close to one. (Insert the AD on the radio for an ‘Amature’s Night’ at a local gentleman’s club for a free rack {=a.k.a. headlights, grill, boobs, breast} to the best dancer.) Yah, so very stylish and ever so sophisticated is my current residence.

Naturally, when I hear these things I wonder many times a week why we still live here.

See, and that’s the thing- that part of Myrtle Beach is secluded to say the least. Hidden, along with a sleu of other places I hope Garrett never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, sees. (And yes, that was me that frequented the bars lining Broadway- once coined by a friend as the ‘Red Light District’ of the U.S. many, many months ago. Ages actually. But, we will not go there.)

Let’s be honest though, I know he will ‘see’ these things, these places- despite my attempts to shun him from them. I only hope when he does see them they do not corrupt him and that he has enough moral character to resist their temptation or fascination.

In retrospect, I suppose this post is as much about my desire to find a place that is ‘family friendly’ for us to call home as it is about bikers invading the one we have now. I know they are here on vacation, but when they arrive they muddy the waters and make me rethink my sanity for living here.

I guess, I secretly hope these regulations will remind them that the person in the car beside them isn’t on vacation. Neither are they a stripper at a club to be gawked at from the sideview mirror. And that person you are staring at, has a baby in their car and the noise is infiltrating the glass bubble in which that baby lives and this mommy is simply NOT ready for YOU of all people to bust it. Because, we live here in this beautiful beach town unlike you, your bikes, the bandanas or the thongs.

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